


The Harsh Light of Day

by tsheps



Series: If- [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-26
Updated: 2015-02-18
Packaged: 2018-03-09 05:21:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3237821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsheps/pseuds/tsheps
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Commander Kennedy Shepard comes back from the dead and decides to help Cerberus defeat the Collectors as a side line while she's trying to find and reconnect with Ashley.  </p><p>It doesn't go well.  Then it goes worse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Horizon was hot.  Not just hot.  Oppressively hot.  Like the air weighed more here than on Earth.  Shepard made a mental note to check the gravitational rating on planets as part of her preparation in the future.  It was just uncomfortable, like shoes that didn't fit. 

It made her think of her “first time”, rolling aimlessly in the back seat of a decades old, beaten up sky car with Jenny McCallister.  She and Jenny had met when they were just barely more than kids, both of their father's stationed on the _SSV Alexander_.  Jenny had been her first kiss, and then her dad had been transferred.  They had sent increasingly emotionless messages back and forth for years before a mutual apathy stopped even those.  Then they found themselves in the same barracks on the first day of basic in the sweltering jungle of Brazil.  A couple of kids pretending to be adults, and they clung to each other for the simple need of something familiar in an unfamiliar world.  Thus the back seat of the old sky car and the knowledge from the start that this was not really what either of them thought it would be.  They were brought here by lust and discomfort, and they found relief from neither.  Every oppressively hot, unfamiliar world brought that into Shepard's head, but something about the heat on Horizon made it stick long after she would normally be able to shake it.

She knew it wasn't just the heat, though.  It wasn't the fight, either.  Or the death.  None of that was making her gut clench more and more with each passing second.  It was her.  She was here somewhere.  Please, God, let her be here somewhere, and not on that great lumbering beast of a ship disappearing into the orange sky.  She had looked in every pod, poked in every prefab, searched every body for the familiar face.  The pods and prefabs were all empty. None of the bodies were her. Shepard didn't know whether to be relieved or terrified.

Then there was her voice.  Barking out in the familiar cadence from across the parched, dead field.  Boldly stating Shepard’s rank, and her name.  Shepard had been brought back to life weeks ago.  Her heart had been pumping blood, rich with the oxygen she could feel her lungs breathing in.  The neurons in her brain had been firing.  Her body had functioned.  But she had not been alive.  Not until she had heard that voice.  Not until she looked into her face.  She reached out and grabbed her hand.  Life had started again for Commander Kennedy Shepard in that moment.

Then it all went wrong.  Something shifted on her face, and everything was uncomfortable and oppressive again.  She said things that hurt and she doubted.  Then Miranda had spoken up and everything got much worse.  Shepard found herself at a loss for words.  She defended herself and pleaded for understanding and she got none.  By the time Ashley turned her back, walking away with no backward glance, she was stone again.

*****

"Who the hell was that bitch, Shepard?"

She snapped her neck around and gave Jack a warning look, "Don't."

Miranda smirked, and shifted her weight to the other hip, crossing her arms in impatience, waiting for the shuttle.

"Seriously, Shepard.  I can't believe you let her talk to you like that!  Let me go blast that cunt into orbit!"

Shepard turned, her eyes blazing, her hand flaring with biotics.  She crouched low, snarling at Jack the way that Jack usually snarled at others.  Her teeth were clenched hard, and frothy spit flew as she spoke through them, "Don't say another word about her, Jack.  Keep your mouth shut about that woman."

Perhaps it was the shock in Jack's face that broke the tension, but it lingered for a moment in the heavy air and then burst like a soap bubble.  Shepard blinked and relaxed, standing and turning her back on the two women.

"Shit, Shepard.  Sorry.  I get it, you don't wanna talk.  It was out of line, though, saying you betrayed the Alliance.  Doesn't she know they made you a Spectre again?"

Shepard sighed, looked at the ground, " _Or being lied about, don't give way to lies, Or being hated, don't give way to hating, And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise_."

"Da fuck is that?"

Shepard grinned at the scuff of her boot in the dry dirt, "It's poetry, Jack.  You should look into it."  She lifted her face, let the sun hit her hard in the eyes. The burn felt like a penance for whatever unrecognizable sin she had commited.  "It has charms to soothe the savage breast."

Jack raised an eyebrow and Miranda scoffed, saying, "I believe that is in reference to music, Shepard.  Not to mention, I doubt Jack would find much to enjoy about poetry. She's... not the type."

"Screw you, Cheerleader."

"Indeed.  Don't be a smartass, Miranda.  Where the hell is that shuttle?"

Shepard had thrown up her arms in irritation with those last words.  She started pacing, arms crossed over her chest.

After a moment, Miranda cleared her throat, "I take it, Commander, that I can shift my attention back to my other duties now?  Are you done with your distraction over Chief Ashley Wil..."

Shepard cut her off with a quick movement, pointing her finger in Miranda's face, inches from her nose, "Don't you dare say her name!  You have no right to say her name!  You will continue to pursue your inquiries until I relieve you of that mission, is that clear?"

Her temper, quick to flare, dissipated with the arrival of the shuttle seconds later, "Everyone on the shuttle.  I want off this planet."

“Shepard, I think this distraction…”

“At what point,” Shepard asked in a too-calm voice. “Did I give you permission to think? You may not be military, Miranda, but you will obey my command when you are on my ship. Just because you Dr. Frankenstein-ed me doesn’t mean you have any authority over me.”

Jack scratched her scalp, “Wouldn’t you be Frankenstein, Shepard?”

“Common mistake,” Miranda seemed incapable of controlling her condescension. “Despite the garish cartoon-like character common to Halloween for centuries, Dr. Frankenstein was actually the scientist who reanimated the corpse, not the monster corpse itself. Shepard would be ‘Frankenstein’s monster’ in this metaphor.”

Shepard couldn’t help but grin when Jack flipped Miranda the bird. She waved her hand towards the shuttle and Miranda had the grace to blush and offer a half-hearted, “Yes, commander.” Before making her way towards it.

 

*****

 

Ashley had not intended to spy on the conversation.  She hadn't even known the team was still on the planet.  She had stormed away from Shepard, her mind racing, her heart breaking.  A million thoughts at once and the heat of this horrible planet with its horrible people who were horribly taken.  It was overwhelming her and she had no idea where she was.  She stepped inside an open prefab and squatted down, just inside the door, her shoulders shaking with the weight of her armor and the world pressing on them.  She just needed a minute to catch her breath.  To slow her racing heartbeat.  To calm her mind.  She squatted, her back against the molded plastic wall, her eyes closed, take deep, deliberate breaths. Time passed, but she was still losing the battle against panic.  Tears started to come and she didn't know if they were from grief or from rage and she couldn't stop them either way.

She didn't know how long she had been there when she heard the oily voice of that Cerberus woman in the cat suit say something about waiting here in the shade for a shuttle.  Ashley found that her breath had slowed and the sweat had dried on her forehead.  Calm wasn't quite the word, but she was better than she had been.  She glanced toward the open door, but she was too far inside.  She scooted quietly, and felt for all the world like she was peeking out from cover to line up a shot.  Her rifle was still in her hands, and she stowed it in the holder on the back of her armor.  She peeked around the corner or the door frame and saw the three were facing away from her.

She watched and listened until a shuttle landed a few yards away and they all boarded.  She was still squatting here now, long after they had left, the sun finally setting on this terrible day.  She had watched Shepard defend her, watch her temper flare at the tattooed woman's insults, watched poetry fall from the mouth that she had memorized with her own.  She had watched Shepard's temper flare again in her defense.  Watched the jaw she had traced with her own fingertips clench at the thought of Ashley's name touching another's lips.  It should have filled her heart, but it left her empty.  It left her stomach boiling with acid.  It was such a normal scene. Shepard in her element. But it was all wrong, and she couldn’t quite articulate all the reasons why, even in her own head.

She squatted there until she heard more voices around her and belatedly realized she had her own mission.  To help these people.  She stood on stiff legs and stared at the scuff Shepard had made in the ground until the light faded too much to see.  She walked out of the prefab and off towards her duty. 

 


	2. Chapter 2

_To:_ [ _laws.mir@cerberus.xnet_ ](mailto:laws.mir@cerberus.xnet)

_From:_ [ _cham.kel@cerberus.xnet_ ](mailto:cham.kel@cerberus.xnet)

_Subject: RE: Shepard's Focus_

 

_Miranda,_  

_I have been watching and speaking to the commander a great deal since Horizon, per your request.  At the moment, I see no cause for concern.  She is clearly unhappy over the confrontation with Operations Chief Ashley Williams.  The information I received is that they were involved while serving together on the Normandy SR-1, and it was definitely not the resolution to their relationship that the commander had hoped.  It is unsurprising that she is upset by this, but I see no reason to believe the incident with distract her from the mission._

_She is clearly engaged with furthering the efforts to stop the Collectors.  She is retaining old friendships and creating new ones with crew members.  Reports from missions indicate that she is sharp in battle.  I see no increase in alcohol intake. She has had no more mood swings than are usual. Her sleep patterns appear to be regular._

_I think, Ms. Lawson, that this should be handled as any other break up.  I recommend allowing her the time and space to deal with her feelings.  I would also recommend you continuing to comply with her requests regarding locating Chief Williams.  I simply would not try too hard.  Should you obtain her current deployment location, I would advise against sharing it with Commander Shepard until consulting me again._

_Kelly Chambers_

 

_*****_

 

_To:_ [ _laws.mir@cerberus.xnet_ ](mailto:laws.mir@cerberus.xnet)

_From:_ [ _man.ill@cerberus.xnet_ ](mailto:man.ill@cerberus.xnet)

  _Subject: _Chambers' Report__

 

_Miranda,_

  _I received a copy of Chambers' report on Shepard's mental state after Horizon.  As you know, I think Horizon was the best possible outcome to that.  Shepard's loyalties are already in question, and having a girlfriend in the Alliance would further complicate matters._

_Follow Chambers' recommendations.  Prepare the 'nuclear option' for possible deployment._

 

 

_*****_

_To:_ [ _shep.ken@cerberus.xnet_ ](mailto:shep.ken@cerberus.xnet)

_From:_ [will.a.oc@alliance.mil](mailto:will.a.oc@alliance.mil)

_Subject: Hey_

 

_Shepard,_

_Listen, I wanted to apologize for Horizon.  When I lost you, I didn't exactly handle it well.  It's been hard.  I prayed to get you back every day.  Then you were right there, in front of me.  It was... unexpected._

_I'm not the same person I was two years ago, and I don't think you are the same person, either.  Too much has happened.  For both of us.  I am having a hard time really believing that it's you.  I keep thinking about everything we had.  The person you were.  I just don't see that person working for Cerberus._

_I talked to Anderson.  He told me about your mission, and I believe you were on Horizon for the right reasons.  I should not have questioned that.  I'm sorry.  The rest, well, it sounds like you have an important mission, and I think you should focus on that.  I have an important mission too, and that's what I'm focusing on._

_Maybe our paths will cross again._

_Just- please- stay safe out there, skipper?  I don't think I'd survive losing you again._

_Ashley_

 

_*****_

 

_To:_ [ _will.a.oc@alliance.mil_ ](mailto:will.a.oc@alliance.mil)

_From:_[ _shep.ken@cerberus.xnet_](mailto:shep.ken@cerberus.xnet) 

_Subject:  RE: Hey_

 

_Ashley,_

_Sorry it's taken me so long to reply.  I just wanted to make sure I got this right._

_I owe you an apology, too.  I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry for leaving you._

_I'm also sorry for the way I just kind of dropped back into your life.  I tried to find you.  To tell you I was alive again.  But I knew it would be better to see me instead of getting an extranet message from your dead girlfriend.  Then I found out you were on Horizon, and I was so afraid I was going to lose you that I just charged in.  Subtlety is not exactly my thing._

_So, as long as you know that I'm sorry, I can give you the space and time you need, Ash. For right now.  But here's the thing.  I'm not giving up.  I've seen too much and gone through too much to give up on the best thing that ever happened to me._

  _So, with all due respect to your needs, you can't rid of me that easy._

_Our paths WILL cross again one day._

_You stay safe, too, Chief._

 

_Kennedy_

  

_*****_

 

_To: laws.mir@cerberus.xnet_

_From:_ [ _shep.ken@cerberus.xnet_ ](mailto:shep.ken@cerberus.xnet)

_Subject: Williams_

 

_Miranda,_

_Just to be clear, you are still assigned to finding Chief Williams' new assignment location and a secure, unmonitored means of real-time communication.  This is not a request. It is an order. Report to me with your progress._

 

_Shepard_

 

_*****_

 

_To:_ [ _cham.kel@cerberus.xnet_ ](mailto:cham.kel@cerberus.xnet)

_From:_ [ _laws.mir@cerberus.xnet_ ](mailto:laws.mir@cerberus.xnet)

_Subject: Assignment from The Illusive Man_

 

_Yeoman Chambers,_

_I have been directed to brief you on an assignment from The Illusive Man.  It is possible your involvement will not be necessary, however, you should be prepared._

_If you would please come to my office immediately._

 

_Miranda Lawson_


	3. Chapter 3

When Shepard emerged from her cabin’s private bathroom she was still buckling her belt, and the sound of the toilet flushing masked the sound of the door hissing shut. She looked up and saw Yeoman Chambers leaning against her fish tank, watching the movement of a Thessian sunfish as it cut through the crystal clear water. She had managed to keep this one alive for almost a week now. She was pretty proud of herself.

“Good evening, commander.”

“Good evening, Kelly.” Shepard moved down the stairs towards the large couch where she had been sitting before nature called. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

Chambers hesitated a moment, then followed.

“Damn, I’ve forgotten an appointment, haven’t I?”

Kelly smiled, hoping the gesture would keep her from having to lie and say she had been scheduled to meet with the commander.

Shepard sat behind a square glass bottle of amber liquid and motioned to Kelly to join her. She picked up her glass and sipped. Shepard had motioned toward the other side of the L-shaped sofa, but Kelly had sat on the same side she was on. Not too close to be uncomfortable, but an odd choice. Shepard shrugged inwardly. Kelly was somewhat odd, so maybe that made this choice normal?

“I hope I’m not interrupting,” Kelly reached for the bottle as she spoke, explaining the seating arrangement. She couldn’t have reached the bottle from the other side of the sofa. “What’s this?”

Shepard smiled and sipped at her drink again, “Miranda apologizing for her insubordination. There was an… incident with Jacob. Got a temper on her, that one. She had the bottle sent from Earth. Just arrived today. She was very proper when she gave it to me. She could use more practice at the wording of apologies though. I prefer someone actually say ‘I’m sorry’ when they are saying ‘I’m sorry.’ Still. Johnnie Walker.”

Kelly studied the male silhouette on the green background, “Who’s he?”

Shepard gave am exaggerated start of surprise and indignation, “A hero of the 19th century! Let me get you a glass.”

As Shepard started to stand, Kelly put a hand on her forearm to keep her seated. Shepard sat back, but the hand stayed.

“No, no. I’m fine.” Kelly raised an eyebrow at the bottle, which was nearly half empty. “Had more than one yourself, huh?”

Shepard’s smile was mischievous, and she raised her glass in salute.

“Well, you are a very classy drunk, commander.”

“I pride myself on the fact, yeoman.”

“I thought I had asked you to call me Kelly?”

Shepard nodded, but was quiet. There was an air of sadness about the room, and Kelly saw her way in. She took a deep breath and hitched her smile in place.

“Celebrating?”

The commander’s eyes fell on a photo frame next to the bottle. Ashley’s face stared at the ceiling from inside cold steel and glass, “Not exactly.”

Kelly followed her eyes and lightly rubbed the commander’s forearm with her thumb. She didn’t think the woman had even noticed the movement. She pitched her voice low and soft to ask, “Have you heard anything from Chief Williams since Horizon?”

Shepard’s smile was sad, “If you don’t mind, I’d like to keep that to myself. No offense.”

“Of course. I just… you know you can talk to me, Shepard. I care about you.”

Shepard looked at her and patted the hand that was still rubbing her forearm, “I know. I appreciate your concern, Kelly. I…”

Her words were cut off by Kelly launching herself onto her. She threw her leg over Shepard’s, knocking the glass off the table, where it spilled on the rubberized metal floor. She was straddling Shepard, hands on the woman’s uniform collar, tight closed lips pressed into hers.

Shepard was too surprised to react. She didn’t even close her eyes. A tiny glimmer in the back of her head wondered what it would be like to give in to the kiss. To allow the cold comfort. To take the red-head to bed and forget for just one, flickering moment the battles past and the battles to come and, mostly, Horizon. She allowed the glimmer to flare to a sparkle. She allowed herself to think for a heartbeat about the willingness of this woman to give herself to Shepard. Her body was soft and warm. She would be attentive and she would be wanton. She would not be, however, the only thing Shepard wanted. She would not be Ashley.

Despite the sparkle and the booze and the frantic movements of the warm body on top of her, Shepard did not respond. She did not kiss back. She did not close her eyes. She gently pulled away.

“Kelly, I’m not…”

Kelly had not stopped when she pulled back, however. She had shifted her focus to Shepard’s neck. She kissed and sucked and bit in a flurry of movement, pinning Shepard against the sofa.

“Shh… just go with this. You know you want it.”

Unwillingly, her body was responding to the tongue on her neck. She felt a swooping in her gut that was enhanced by the alcohol mixing with the lips and tongue on her sensitive neck. The sparkle was back, but she firmly rejected it this time. She reached up to loosen Kelly’s grip on her collar, “No. Kelly, you know I have feelings for someone else. Stop.”

Kelly’s hand gripped hard at her breast. It was not a pleasurable feeling, even for Shepard who enjoyed the occasional rough edges to her lovemaking, “Come on! You know what they say. The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.”

Shepard could see Ashley’s picture over the bent back on top of her. It was that sight that stiffened her resolve. That and Kelly’s hand awkwardly and forcefully moving from her breast to her belt, “No! Kelly! Stop!”

She shouted the words, and, when Kelly showed no signs of stopping, she shot to her feet. The movement unseated Kelly and threw her off balance. She toppled backwards onto the floor and struggled to get to her knees. Shepard started walking towards the door, “I’m sorry if I hurt you, Kelly. But I believe I made myself clear…”

Incredibly, the woman had sprung to her feet and grabbed Shepard’s shirt, pulling her towards the wall of glass that was the opulent room’s fish tank. The commander had not anticipated the movement, and so could not stop herself from being dragged forward. Kelly’s back hit the tank, and she pulled Shepard into her. She kissed at Shepard’s neck again and whispered, “You can pretend I’m her, you know. We could role play. I’m good at games. You could have your cake and eat me too.”

The lewdness of the suggestion and the way it was phrased disgusted Shepard. Even through the haze of alcohol, she knew it was not like the yeoman. She was a shrink, for goodness sake! She was acting like some star struck colony girl visiting the Citadel for the first time. Shepard had had enough. She flared a fistful of biotics and used it to pin Chambers against the fish tank. She struggled for a moment, and then seemed to deflate. She blushed from her hairline to her neck and tears filled her eyes.

Shepard spoke more gently than she had intended when she saw the tears, “Kelly. What’s going on here?”

The gentle tone made Kelly cringe. She was looking everywhere but at Shepard, “I… I just… you had been kind of flirty. I… I thought you…”

“I’m flirty with everyone, Kelly. Even Grunt. It’s kinda my style. You know me well enough to not take that seriously. Come on. This isn’t you. What’s this all about?”

“I’m… scared. Of the Omega 4 relay. We… we might die. I was looking for… comfort.”

She was still cringing, betraying the lie.

Shepard released the biotics and Kelly slumped, “You can trust me, Kelly. Please tell me what is going on.”

“I… I can’t. I just… let me go!”

She made a half-hearted attempt to get past Shepard, who grabbed her arm lightly. Kelly’s eyes flickered to the bottle of Scotch. Shepard followed the look, and the thought that had drawn Kelly’s eye to the bottle, “It wasn’t an accident that Miranda gave me that bottle today. Is it?”

Kelly’s eyes were too open for her own good. Conflict played across her features clear as day. She still kept her mouth shut.

“You and I didn’t have an appointment this evening, did we?”

Kelly avoided looking at her, she persisted, “Did we, Kelly?”

Resignation filled her eyes. Kelly shook her head.

“Miranda told you she gave me that bottle after my shift at the helm today, didn’t she?”

Kelly nodded.

“You had EDI watch to make sure I was drinking it?”

Kelly nodded, tears falling freely.

“Sit down, Kelly.”

She moved to the sofa and fell on it. She looked relieved. Honest people who try to lie are always so relieved to tell the truth.

“I need to know this. It’s very important. Are you here because you wanted to be here?”

Kelly shook her head and sobbed. After a moment she seemed to realize what she had implied, “It’s not that… that I wouldn’t want you. It would be…”

It was Shepard’s turn to cringe, “Whatever you do, do not tell me it would be an honor to fuck me. You know your own worth far better than that, Kelly.”

“That’s not… I mean. Look, I’m attracted to you, and it’s not like it would have been awful if you had gone with it. It’s just… I knew from the start that you wouldn’t. Or that it would make me a horrible person if I let you go through with it. I tried to tell them…”

Shepard held up her hand, “Wait. Slow down. Tell who, exactly? Who put you up to this?”

“I think you know the answer to that question already, commander.”

 

*****

_To:_ [ _laws.mir@cerberus.xnet_ ](mailto:laws.mir@cerberus.xnet) _,_ [ _man.ill@cerberus.xnet_ ](mailto:man.ill@cerberus.xnet)

_From:_ [ _shep.ken@cerberus.xnet_ ](mailto:shep.ken@cerberus.xnet)

_Subject: Chambers in my chambers_

_I’m going to keep this brief._

_I am not a child to be managed and my yeoman is not a whore to be handed out._

_I expect both of us to receive more respect from the two of you in the future. No more ‘nuclear options’. No more micromanagement. No more games._

_Back the fuck off or I let Jack and Grunt loose on the pair of you._

_Shepard_

_PS- You couldn’t have sprung for Blue Label? Shit, it probably cost you enough to buy a small colony to ship the bottle from Scotland to the Terminus, and you get Green Label?? Show some class, Miranda._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me for indulging in a love fest for Johnnie Walker. In my head, Shepard's drink of choice is totally uncut, single barrel Scotch served neat. She just drinks all those bright green alcohols from across the galaxy cause it's all she can get. 
> 
> One of my favorite time wasters in the games is to slam drink after drink and run around with the screen wobbling or wake up on Aria's couch and leave without saying a word.


	4. Chapter 4

The sound of the storm raging outside the ship hummed quietly in the background as Shepard marched down the austere corridor.  Her boots clanged against bare metal floors.  She had her hands buried deep in her pockets, and her thoughts were buried deep in the past.  She strode past the room where Feron had been kept prisoner for two years.  The chair and monitors had been removed, but there was a feeling about the place that could never be scrubbed away.  She spied a patch of bullet holes in a wall as she turned a corner and she had a vivid image of popping out from the corner and firing her Harrier at a mech.  She had fired too many times apparently, and had left her mark on the Shadow Broker's ship.

The door hissed open in front of her, and she stepped into the huge room that was the heart of the Shadow Broker's operation.  Liara had repaired the ceiling and the columns that the previous inhabitant had destroyed in their fight with him.  Still the room was bare and cold.  No adornments.  No concessions to comfort.  She wondered how Liara could stand to spend all of her waking moments in this cavernous dungeon.  She could feel her shoulders knotting with tension.  Stress filled her mind and body these days, and she was getting sick of being constantly on edge.

The husky voice called out from the front of the room, "Good to see you again, Shepard."

Some of the suffocating tension released from her body as she walked forward to talk to Liara.  Lately, Shepard had felt... not herself.  She longed for Liara's company because she longed for a return to the normal.  Somehow, Tali and Garrus were not providing that sense of home.  She plucked irritably at the patch on her chest.  She was used to an N7 patch being in that spot, and before that, and Alliance Navy emblem.  Now she wore a uniform with the Cerberus logo over her heart, and she had been pulling at it subconsciously.  It was starting to pull free of the fabric, the threads loosening as she worried it.

After exchanging a brief greeting with her asari friend, Shepard had wandered over to a console which held dossiers of her ridiculously assorted crew.  Liara had been forced to excuse herself to deal with the raiding of an Eezo factory that was run by slave labor.  Shepard found that Jack had taken her advice to embrace poetry.  That made her smile, and she wondered what would happen to the convict if they survived the war on the Collectors.  The thought soured her mood again and she closed the terminal.

Liara was still busy, so she retreated to the back room where Feron sat on a couch, unable to return to the world of the living quite yet.  Shepard was happy he was there to help protect Liara, but she was in no mood to make small talk with the sad drell.  She gave him a wave and made straight for the video surveillance module in the far corner of the room.  She didn't know what she was expecting to see, but none of the footage satisfied the irritability threatening to overtake her.  The information drone was dancing around her, and she was not in the mood for its banter or its calling her "Shadow Broker".  She shut down the terminal and headed back out to the main room, not looking over at Feron.

Liara was still occupied, and now Shepard's irritability was blooming into anger.  She slumped on the only furniture in the room, a couch in the corner.  She could keep an eye on Liara, and scan the terminal for planets where she could find the platinum she needed to upgrade the piercing mod on her assault rifle.  She skimmed the planets and saw that she had skipped scanning a planet that would have been perfect.  It was the only planet that was left in a system full of duds she had spent days searching for resources.

"Fucking son of a krogan's left nut!" She shouted in frustration.  It would take at least another two days to make it back to that ridiculously remote system.  Impatience roiled in her like a methane lake.

"Is this a bad time?"

Liara had walked over to where she was sprawled on the couch, feet on the table, cursing her own stupid luck.  She turned her burning eyes on the asari, and expected to see her wilt under the ferocity of her look.  There was a very small part of her that was mean enough to have found satisfaction in that fear.  Liara, she remembered too late, had changed in the last two years.  She held her ground, looking more puzzled than frightened by the anger.

Shepard turned away from her, pretending to scroll through planets again, "Yes, it is a bad time.  It's your ship, though, so I can't expect you to go away, can I?"

Liara looked at her blankly for a moment, and then her eyes shone happily and she said, "Perhaps you would like a light meal, Shepard?  Maybe a snack of some type?  I believe there is some food here somewhere."

Shepard blinked, nonplussed, "What?  No.  I'm not hungry.  Why are you offering me food?"

Liara blushed faintly purple, "Joker mentioned that you get... what did he call it?  Hangry?"

Shepard continued looking at her silently, and she continued, "It is a word that means your temper becomes short when you are hungry.  As I understand it, it is a combination of the words..."

Shepard cut her off, confusion replacing some of the annoyance that had grated at her nerves like sandpaper for days, "I'm familiar with the word, Liara.  I'm not hangry.  I'm just.... plain old angry.  Not really angry.  I don't know."  She sighed and closed her eyes, trying to get her mood under control.  She added, “I think Joker was having a little fun with you though, Liara.  Don't listen to everything he says."

Liara sat back, crossing her legs, "I thought so as well.  So I asked Garrus.  He agreed with Joker. He recommended I keep a supply of chocolate flavored protein paste on board." 

Shepard opened her mouth to protest the indignities. Instead, she found herself laughing. It was one of those uncontrollable laughs that continues even when you aren’t even sure how or why it started. It came from nowhere and enveloped her, tears leaked from her eyes and her chest hurt with the force of it. She realized at some point that she had not truly laughed in a very long time. Liara smiled indulgently at first, but as the mirth continued, she sat forward in alarm.

“Shepard?”

The concern in Liara’s voice finally brought her out of it. She choked and sputtered and wiped her eyes as she responded, “I’m okay, Liara. I just… they’re right. I’m kind of a bitch when I’m hungry. That’s not what this is, though.”

The weight of depression was closing in around her again, and she fought to keep it at bay.

“How are you doing really, Shepard? I’ve asked you that before, and I thought your answer was honest. Now I am not so sure.”

Shepard thought for a moment, “I feel like… I may have lost myself after all, Liara. Other than Tali and Garrus, I’m surrounded by strangers. By Cerberus people.” She picked at the patch on her uniform again and a few strings finally came loose. “When we were fighting Saren… I had people I trusted around me. I had you and Ash…”

Liara approached her words with care, “Have you… heard from Ashley since Horizon?”

“Just the email I told you about. Nothing since. I’ve had Miranda looking for her. I think she’s found something, but she’s keeping it from me. How can she have been looking this long and found nothing? She’s too resourceful to be this incapable.”

“Have you spoken to her about it?”

“I sent Jacob into her office to look for what she’s got. She… didn’t appreciate the attempt.” Shepard decided not to tell Liara about the incident with Yeoman Chambers. Despite their growing close as friends, Liara still harbored feelings for her, she could tell. Having to hold back from Liara made a new surge of frustration blossom in her. It quickly dissolved into depression. She put her head in her hands.

“Shepard,” Liara said, her voice gentle as she put her hand on her old commander’s knee. “Why don’t you talk to me about what is going on? Perhaps I could help you in some way?”

“The worst part is… well, I’m actually kind of starting to like these people. Even Miranda. Maybe she took my rebuke to heart. She seems changed these last several days. Like she’s finally come around. The rest of them… hell, Liara, they’re good people!”

“I cannot imagine why you find that to be a source of frustration.”

“They’re Cerberus!” Shepard dropped her hands to her lap and stared at the ceiling. “The only way I have been able to keep doing this is to tell myself I’m not Cerberus. I know I’m doing the right thing for the wrong people, I know that. It’s not like I have a choice, though! The Council and the Alliance have their heads in the sand. Someone has to fight the Collectors and the Reapers! Someone has to save the colonies. I can use Cerberus resources for that as long as I don’t become one of them.”

“And you think that by liking the Cerberus crew you have… you have become Cerberus?”

“Haven’t I? What separates me from Miranda? What separates me from The Illusive Man? I wear their colors, and now I am friends with them.”

Shepard rubbed her hands over her face. Gunmetal clung to her palms, and she tasted it on her lips. The tang of it was like blood in her mouth. Both of those sensations were all too familiar to her. They had been with her since she had first learned to fire a gun with her dad on shore leave at a colony on Hespera. She had been eight years old and she had hit the targets with almost every shot. He had called her a natural and carried her on his shoulders. She had been in basic when he died. Her chest suddenly ached to be a child playing games with her mom and dad. Life had been so simple then.

Liara’s hand tightened on her knee, “Shepard. You have always been the person to find the good in everyone around you. Not just find the good in them, but make them see it as well. You make people better by being around them. We all try to be worthy of your presence. Is it so surprising to you that you might have the same effect on Cerberus agents?”

Liara’s voice had caught for a moment when she spoke of people wanting to be worthy of her presence. She felt the guilt again of not being able to be for Liara what she wanted.

“You are not Cerberus. You were delivered… against your will into their hands. They gave you an opportunity to do what is right. If nothing else comes of this, you have made The Illusive Man do something honorable with his resources for the first time in his life. You have given a greater purpose to everyone on your crew. You are not Cerberus. You are a hero. One day Ashley will see that.”

Shepard turned her gaze to Liara, expecting to see pain in that last admission. Instead, she saw pride. The young asari was now a constant surprise to her. She had found a wilting blossom and now she saw a towering tree before her. She smiled and nodded, actually believing Liara’s words. She felt like a hero again, for the first time in a long time.

Liara smiled back and release her knee, “Now. Tell me what you need to find out about Ashley. Are you looking for her location so that you can go see her?”

Shepard sat up straighter, “No. She asked for space and time. I just need to know… I’m not sure. That she’s safe? She was on Horizon. If we hadn’t gotten there in time she might be...” She let the sentence hang as a picture entered her mind of an unconscious Ashley, lying motionless in one of those pods. Vulnerable to whatever experiments or tortures the Collectors were up to. She shivered and hurried on, “But I do want to be able to contact her. I’m not sure if we’ll make it back from this battle. I want to be able to… say goodbye. Make sure she knows how I feel. Before.”

Liara nodded, “Vid chats are difficult to establish into Alliance bases of operations. They tend to use audio only channels, which are far more secure. Still, getting a Cerberus originated communication through would be very difficult.”

“I know. I don’t think that even an audio link would be possible. I think a text chat would have to be the way to go. Text communications run on the same networks as personal messages, so I’d have a much better chance with that. The trick will be getting Ash to agree to a text chat with me.”

“Perhaps some subterfuge is required. I will look into it. When I find her, something will no doubt present itself.”

Shepard blinked, “You have too much going on, Liara. I wasn’t asking you to…”

“I know. You never would ask me. I admit that I wish… well, never mind. I will find her and I will help you because you are very dear to me, Shepard. It should not be difficult to find her, I think I saw I have some contacts... I won’t tell you the details. Leave it to me.”

“You are a true friend, Liara T’soni.”

Liara smiled, “I do try, Shepard.” She reached for a large box on the table and handed it to the commander. “Here, a gift. Apparently, you and my predecessor had similar habits.”

The box held a model of the very ship they were on board now, “He had a model of his super secret starship lair made? Seems like a bad idea. Oh well. There is a spot in my display wall where this would fit perfectly. Thanks!”

Liara then handed Shepard a datapad, “Another gift.” Shepard studied the contents with a furrowed brow. “It is the flight log of your mother’s ship. They are scheduled to dock on the Citadel soon. I believe you have not spoken to her? I’m sure the two of you should see each other. Talk. She was… very upset at your memorial. And very proud. I am sure she would like a hug. Do not lose the chance to… spend time with your mother. Mothers are important.”

Shepard hugged the model and the datapad tight to her chest as she left the room, trying to hold back her tears until she was safely in her cabin.

 


	5. Chapter 5

_To:_ [ _shep.ken@cerberus.xnet_ ](mailto:shep.ken@cerberus.xnet)

_From:_ [ _shady_brizzle@freemail.xnet_ ](mailto:shady_brizzle@freemail.xnet)

_Subject: [None]_

 

_Shepard,_

_I have good news for you.  I was able to track down Ashley's current deployment using one of my new resources.  Apparently my predecessor had sources in a great many areas, including Alliance High Command.  She is currently stationed on Noveria, of all places.  She has been working as a liaison between the Alliance and private firms to improve security.  Apparently, many companies were impressed with her work on Horizon.  The defenses she installed there kept the colony profitable despite losing half the population.  Firms throughout the Traverse have been requesting her specifically to consult as part of the Admiral Hackett's program to prepare for the Collectors and the Reapers._

_We are fortunate that this is her current assignment.  I have sent her the schematics of one of my new Eezo facilities, and asked for her to create a defense plan.  I made arrangements for a text-only chat to be held to discuss her findings at a yet undetermined future date.  All you have to do is tell me when to set it up._

_Liara_

 

_*****_

 

_To:_ [ _shady_brizzle@freemail.xnet_ ](mailto:shady_brizzle@freemail.xnet)

_From:_ [ _shep.ken@cerberus.xnet_ ](mailto:shep.ken@cerberus.xnet)

_Subject: Re: [None]_

 

_Liara,_  

_Thanks for taking care of that.  I have had Miranda working on it for months with nothing to report.  I give it to you, and you have her in hand in a few days.  I will let you know when I am ready.  Won't be long now, I think._

_Thanks for the flight plan for my mom's ship, too.  I was able to catch up with her on the Citadel yesterday.  We had a long talk.  Longest we've had in years, actually.  She cried when she hugged me.  You know I haven't seen her cry since my dad's funeral?  It was really great.  I owe you.  Twice now._

_So, Liara, I have to ask- shady brizzle?  What is that all about?_

 

_Shepard_

 

_*****_

 

_To:_ [ _shep.ken@cerberus.xnet_ ](mailto:shep.ken@cerberus.xnet)

_From:_ [ _shady_brizzle@freemail.xnet_ ](mailto:shady_brizzle@freemail.xnet)

_Subject: Re: Re: [None]_

 

_Shepard,_

_I think we are even.  You pulled me out of those ruins, then you helped me save Feron._

_I will have the comm link ready whenever you are.  Please be careful when you go through the relay, Shepard.  I'd like you to survive this adventure, if you don't mind._

_Is the name inappropriate?  I was worried it might be.  I asked Joker for help with creating the account when the Normandy was here last.  He said it was a "late 20th century Pop culture reference", and that it was very obscure, so most people would not understand._

_I am not familiar with the Pop race, or any of their cultural contributions to the galaxy.  I assumed it was a 'human thing".  But, the fact that I am not aware of an ancient race was desirable, as I was looking for an obscure name for my messaging address.  I was hesitant to use a free message service, but, I must admit, it interfaces well with my ship's security firewalls.  It seems nearly impossible to hack._

_I assume that Joker has played a trick on me? I would prefer you not tell me. I think I would rather not know what it truly means._

 

_Liara_

*****

 

_To:_ [ _shady_brizzle@freemail.xnet_ ](mailto:shady_brizzle@freemail.xnet)

_From:shep.ken@cerberus.xnet_

_Subject: Set it up_

 

_Liara,_

_They took my crew.  It's time. Set up the chat with Ash._

_Make it as soon as possible, we are on the way to the Omega system now._

 

_Shepard_

 


	6. Chapter 6

_Welcome to FasComm, the galaxy's premier secure, real-time chat site!_

_We pride ourselves on providing you a reliable communication connection to any location in Council space!_

_Please wait while we connect your prearranged chat session._

_::Connection established_

_::Redundant firewall protection engaged_

_::Reservation number confirmed_

 

_User 1: Operations Chief Ashley Williams, Alliance Marine Corp_

_User 2: S. Khan, President, Vandalay Industries_

 

_You may now begin your chat session!_  

_::Moderator logging out_

 

_User 1: Good afternoon, this is OC Williams._

_User 2: Hey, Ash._

_User 1: To whom am I speaking?_

_User 2:  It's me, Ash.  I know you asked for time, but I seem to have run out and I needed to talk to you._

_User 1:  Kennedy?_

_User 2:  Yeah.  Sorry to trick you into this._

_User 1:  Shepard, I spent hours working out that security plan for an eezo factory that doesn't even exist.  I don't have time for this._

_User 2:  It does exist, and they are going to implement your plan.  It's good work, Ash.  You have a knack for this._

_User 1:  How did you arrange this?_

  _User 2:  I have an information broker friend who owed me a favor or two and also needed some help securing a new facility._

_User 1: Information broker?  Shepard, I am having a hard enough time with you working for Cerberus, if you have dealings with the Shadow Broker, too..._

_User 2:  Haha!  Don't be ridiculous._

_User 1:  Okay.  Listen, Shepard, I'm not ready_

_User 2:  That's not what this is about._

_User 1:  Then what is it about?_

_User 2:  I'm going to find the Collector home world.  On the way to the Omega 4 Relay now.  They kidnapped my crew, Ash._

_User 1:  What?  Is Joker ok?  Who else is on there?  Garrus?_

_User 2:  Garrus is with me and so is Tali.  They're fine- we were off the ship at the time.  Joker made it to, but they have Dr. Chakwas and a bunch of other folks who can’t defend themselves._

_User 1:  And you are going through to get them back._

_User 2:  We'll be there in less than an hour._

_User 1:  You need to prepare.  Do you even know what you're facing?_

_User 2:  I've prepared as much as I can.  The only thing left is talking to you._

_User 1:  Shepard_

_User 2:  No pressure, no expectations.  I just want you to know, in case I don't come back_

_User 1:  Shepard, I can't_

_User 2:  If I don't come back, Ashley, I just want you to know- It's you, Ash.  It's always been you.  It will always be you.  If I don't come back- when the Reapers come- the galaxy is going to need a        hero.  They're going to need you._

_User 1: Fuck, Kennedy._

_User 2: The Alliance brass will not believe you- they won't work with you.  Hackett and Anderson will, though._

_User 1:  Stop._

_User 2:  If you can get them on your side, you can work around the brass to stop the Reapers._

_User 1: STOP!_

_User 2: You need to be ready._

_User 1:  I'm not you.  They aren't going to come to me.  They have me consulting rich asshole corporations.  They would never trust a Williams to fill your shoes._

_User 2:  Maybe not, but they will trust you.  You've proven yourself, Ash. You know that._

_User 1:  Bullshit.  But that's not the point.  You need to come back.  I can't take it if you don't come back._

_User 2:  Well, that is still Plan A._

_::Session has been dormant for 120 seconds.  Session will be terminated after 60 seconds without activity.::_

_User 2:  Listen, Ash, even if I do come back- there are... complications._

_User 1:  That sounds ominous._

_User 2:  I mean, well, I may have to spend some time in prison._

_User 1:  Christ, Shepard, what did you blow up this time?_

_User 2:  300,000 batarian colonists._

_User 1:  I was joking._

_User 2:  I wish I was._

_User 1:  What happened?_

_User 2:  Long story, but it all comes down to delaying the Reapers.  It was... Let's just say it's the only thing I've done that keeps me up at night.  Hackett can fill you in._

_User 1:  I may have trust issues with you right now, but I know you would never intentionally do anything to hurt innocent people._

_User 2:  Thank you for that.  It means a lot, Ashley.  If I am in prison, you'll know where to find me when you are ready to talk._

_User 1:  I don't know_

_User 2:  I told you I'm not giving up.  I'm very stubborn._

_User 1:  How can you still think it will work?_

_User 2:  It can if we talk._

_User 1:  Don't you hate me after Horizon?_

_User 2:  No._

_User 1:  I was awful to you._

_User 2:  I died on you.  We're even._

_User 1:  Shepard_

_User 2:_ If you can dream- and not make dreams your master _;_

_User 2:_ If you can think- and not make thoughts your aim _;_

_User 2:_ If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

_User 2:_ And treat those two imposters just the same _;_

_User 2:_ If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

_User 2:_ Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools _,_

_User 2:_ Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken _,_

_User 2:_ And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools _:_

_User 2:  You're my dream and what I have given my life to, Ashley.  I can stoop to build what we had back up._

_User 1:  What if I can't?_

_User 2:  You can._

_User 1:  Come back and I'll try.  That's the best I can offer right now._

_User 2:  That's all I'm asking for._

_User 2:  I'm sorry, Ashley, I have to go.  We're at the Omega 4 Relay._

_User 1:  Be safe out there.  Come back alive._

_User 2:  Pray for me?_

_User 1:  You're not religious._

_User 2:  A lot has changed in two years._

_User 1:  I'll pray for you.  Goodbye, Kennedy._

_::User 1 has logged out::_

_User 2:  Goodbye, Ash._

_User 2: I love you._

_::Communication with User 2 has been lost::_

_::Session end::_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The poem quoted in this chapter is 'If-' by Rudyard Kipling


	7. Epilogue

The mountains across the bay generally provided cloud cover over the city of Vancouver.  The clouds kept the temperature down, and they rarely caused an inconvenience to the ships docking at the Alliance main hanger, since modern space travel did not require visual guidance.  Today, however, the sky was clear and the afternoon sun beat down on Ashley as she walked in full dress uniform from the hanger to Alliance HQ.  She could feel sweat starting to form under the stiff collar, and thought of the humidity near the swamps on Eden Prime.  She quickened her pace, the thought of Eden Prime had put ghosts in her head, and she wanted to get inside and working. She’d had enough of ghosts.

She squinted at the sun and heard a ping from her omnitool.  Her opened it and scanned a message from the security chief on Noveria, where she had been stationed for the last six months.  She was more than happy to leave that ice cube of a planet with its residents who had ice cubes for hearts.  The corporate world sickened her.  She'd take a ship full of pirates over a boardroom full of gutless bureaucrats any day.  Admiral Hackett had been pleased with her work, despite her distaste for it, and had recalled her to Earth before her next assignment.  She got the impression that he was going to give her a commendation, but her history kept her from getting her hopes too high.  It was still too early to believe she had shed the "Williams curse."

She had been walking, staring at the message on her omnitool for a few minutes when a bright flash of light caught her eye.  Looking up at the routine ship and shuttle traffic to see which had reflected the light and broken her concentration, she caught sight of an all too familiar hull.  It glided by, somewhat lower than other traffic, making its way toward the main hanger that Ashley had left a few moments ago.

The normally sleek sides were gashed.  Ugly rents in it covered by shimmering mass effect fields.  The paint had deep scars, black and white chipped and burned.  She nearly limped towards the hanger.  Ashley's mouth was open in dismay.  The sight of the Normandy, battle scarred and bruised, was shocking.  It passed by her as she stood, frozen in place, her heart in her mouth.  How could a ship survive that brutal an assault?  How could a crew live on a boat with more holes that a slab of Swiss cheese?  Her last thought before coming to herself and sprinting back the way she had come was, 'I bet Joker is beside himself worrying about his girl.'

 

*****

 

Beads of sweat were visible on her face as Ashley burst onto the loading dock.  Her lungs were on fire.  Normally a run of a mile, even in full dress blues on a hot day, would not have worn her out so much, but emotions had gotten the better of her.  Her active mind provided a thousand scenarios for all the damage she had seen. Most of those scenarios involved all of her friends dying. Worse- Shepard dying. She slammed through the door, banging her knee hard against the metal, not waiting for it to open all the way but not feeling the pain.

There she was.  There was Shepard.  Just emerging from the airlock of the wrecked metal beast, hands behind her back, being led by a man approximately the shape and size of a small house.  She had a yellowing bruise on her left eye and cheek.  The skin at her cheek bone was scabbed in a straight line of about an inch. She was going to have a new scar.  She held her left shoulder just a fraction lower than her right.  Only a very keen observer would guess that she had an injury to at least one rib on that side.  But she walked with her chest out and her head high, a picture of military dignity.

Ashley let out a dry sob when she saw her.  The sound caused Shepard's gaze to shift to her, and the right corner of her mouth went up in a relieved half smile.  Ashley sprinted again.  She saw the mountain of a man shift to block her path, but it would take a platoon to stop her right now.  She ducked under his outstretched arm, giving him a light shove in the back, just enough to keep him off balance, not enough to be hauled in front of a military tribunal for assaulting a fellow soldier.  Then she slammed into Shepard at full tilt, wrapping her arms around the other woman and eliciting a grunt as Ashley knocked the wind out of her.

She held on, one arm wrapped around Shepard's waist, the other fisting in her hair.  She closed her eyes and held on greedily, pulling the commander's body into hers as though she were trying to absorb her.  She smelled the unmistakable earthiness of Shepard’s skin and the fine starch of her uniform. Shepard hooked her chin over Ashley's shoulder, that being her only way of gripping back, since her hands were bound.  They stood like that for a moment that stretched through years of time and space.

Shepard spoke weakly into her ear, "Hey, Ash."

Ashley gasped, not admitting until this moment how much she had feared never seeing Shepard again.  She released her grip enough to pull the other woman back and slam their mouths together.  She kissed with a ferocity that contained all of her fear and grief and pain and loneliness.  Shepard kissed back, matching her emotion with a torrent of her own.  Teeth clashed as much as lips and tongues.  Of course there was doubt between them.  Of course there was an understanding that this was not fair, not right.  Shepard would make assumptions about a future and forgiveness and renewed chances that Ashley was not ready to give quite yet.  This would have so much meaning to Shepard.  It wasn't fair, and she knew it.  But she couldn't stop.  Mainly because it had so much meaning to her, too.

Finally, she broke the kiss, but held Shepard tight, pressing her forehead into the other woman's, trying to slow her heart.  She felt dizzy. She felt sick.  Her heart was breaking and healing at the same moment and it hurt.  It hurt so damn bad and felt so damn good.  She leaned her head back and looked into Shepard's eyes.  To her surprise, she didn't see any of the turmoil she had expected.  None of the hope or relief or expectations that Ashley thought the kiss would elicit.  She was just calm.  She smiled serenely.  Her body language was completely different from when she came out of the airlock a moment ago, but Ashley was no longer afraid that Shepard would push her into a declaration of love or even feelings.  

Ashley's eyes must have communicated her unspoken question, because Shepard said, "Everyone made it.  We didn't lose a single crew member, and the squad all made it out in one piece."

Ashley nodded and hugged her tight again.  As she looked over Shepard's shoulder, she noticed the handcuffs.  The huge man next to them cleared his throat awkwardly.

Ashley let Shepard's hair go, leaving the other arm around her waist and turned to the marine, "Hey you.  Krogan guy.  Get these cuffs off her.  Now."

Shepard snorted a laugh and gave her a look, "Krogan guy?"

Ashley shrugged, "He's built like Wrex.  You didn't notice?  I'm sure he's just itching to head butt someone."

The marine shifted uncomfortably, "Sorry, ma'am.  I can't do that.  Orders.  She's under court-martial. And, for the record, I do not head butt people."

Shepard murmured, “Hmmm… I do.”

Ashley blinked at him, "This is Commander Shepard.  She's a war hero, the savior of the Citadel, the first human Spectre.  She just surrendered herself to Alliance custody.  She's not going to run off like some red sand smuggler and she deserves to be treated with respect, soldier."

Shepard's voice was soothing, "It's okay, Ashley."

"No, it's not!  I will not allow you to be marched out of this hanger in handcuffs like a common criminal."

"Lieutenant Vega is following his orders.  I told him it was okay to cuff me."

Vega held up his hands to show submission, "If it were up to me, I would never do this, but I have to follow orders. Just like you."

"Vega," a deep voice boomed from the door of the docking bay. "Commander Shepard has saved the galaxy more times than I have shit this week.  Let Chief Williams remove the cuffs."

Every face turned to see Admiral Hackett, standing at ease with a pair of nervous looking aides flanking him.  Ashley nodded and took the key Vega handed her, moving behind Shepard to unlock the cuffs.  

Shepard said in a low voice that only Ashley could hear, "Well, that is something I can never unhear."

Ashley smothered her giggle against the back of Shepard's shoulder.  She could feel Shepard's smile in return.  When the cuffs were removed, Shepard moved her arms to her sides and stood at attention as Hackett approached.  All three soldiers threw a salute when he stopped in front of them.  Ashley couldn't help but notice that Shepard's stance and salute somehow carried more gravity and dignity than hers or Vega's.

"Commander Shepard," Hackett returned the salute and reached out his hand to shake that of the woman in front of him.  "Saving the world from destruction again.  What is the plural of 'apocalypse', Shepard?  I never had to give it much thought before I met you."

Shepard shrugged and shook his hand, "Good to see you again, sir.  I am formally turning over myself to answer for what happened in Bahak.  Also, I surrender the Normandy to the Alliance Navy, where she belongs.  Several members of my crew wish to ask for reinstatement to the rank and file, sir."

“It can be arranged. I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that the crew members who would have to answer for certain Cerberus activities somehow managed to slip off without a trace at your last refueling stop?"

Shepard's face took on a look of exaggerated innocence that was not meant to fool anyone, "I'm afraid I did not have the resources to hunt them down, sir.  The Illusive Man and I had a bit of a falling out when I stole his ship from him and refused to turn over the Collector base to his research team."

Hackett raised an eyebrow, "He asked you to spare the Collectors so he could study them? He doesn't know you very well at all, does he?"

"No, sir."

Ashley stood frozen, listening to Hackett accept Shepard's stated loyalty at face value, and wondering why she had so much trouble doing the same.

"Well, the Alliance owes you a great debt.  I hope you understand that an example might have to be made of you, but I will fight against jail time.  I'm on your side, Shepard.  You have my word on that."

"I'll accept whatever punishment is given, sir.  But I appreciate the support."

"Lieutenant Vega, Chief Williams, will you escort the commander to HQ?"

Ashley nodded, looking at Shepard.  She put her hand around Shepard's bicep, and Kennedy turned to smile into her face.  Vega took the hint, and fell in several steps behind them.  Ashley’s mind was churning, and her stomach was in knots.  She had now had time to regret her impulsiveness.  She knew she wasn't ready to throw back in with Shepard and forget everything that had happened in the last two and a half years.  She knew she wasn't ready to fully trust again.  She also knew that she was going to sound like a complete ass trying to explain that after the kiss they just shared.

"Would you relax, Williams?"

Shepard had spoken softly into the few feet of privacy they had gained when Vega backed off.

"What?"

"I can _feel_ you freaking out.  Calm down.  I was happy to see you, too.  I'm not expecting you to propose just because you kissed me.  So relax, okay?"

Somehow this woman was always able to read her mind.  She supposed it wasn’t too hard to guess what she was thinking, but she did relax.  And as she stepped out into the heat and the bright sunlight glimmering off the glass and steel of Vancouver, she felt better than she had in a long, long time.

 

**Author's Note:**

> The poem quoted in this work is "If-" by Rudyard Kipling.


End file.
